So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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