My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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