Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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