Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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