Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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