People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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