I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
