i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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