we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
