So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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