I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
