So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize