Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
