Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
