i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
