I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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