I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
