Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
