Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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