Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
