I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
