Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
