It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
