you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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