I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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