she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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