you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
