4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
