you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
