That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
send nudes
from the living room?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
