When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
