loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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