I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
