If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize