3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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