Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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