he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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