I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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