Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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