I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
