hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
