jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't turn off my feet"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
