he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
