If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
