I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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