I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize