my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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