My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
