im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
