and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
