Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Terrible idea I love it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
