fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
