Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
