Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
