I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
