there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
