She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize