When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
