Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
