and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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