Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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